First-time experience with external catheters

I suppose it was naive not to have seen it coming, but I didn’t. I went to see the (female) HCA from the Bladder and Bowel team yesterday. We discussed the various options for external catheters. I talked to Casey about how and where I envisaged using it. Casey recommended a particular type. She also suggested the sort of bag that would work both for standing and for being in a wheelchair. Then came the bit I hadn’t predicted. What size do I need? Not as straightforward as opting for small, medium or blessed large! Whilst bearing a striking similarity to a condom, this is no “one size fits all” situation. These things come in a whole range of sizes where there is only a few millimetres difference between one and the next. There is also a bespoke measuring tool to help you decide. Having had testicular cancer, and therefore being prodded and poked in some very personal areas, I was forced to overcome some of my natural shyness. Nonetheless, having someone actually measure you to that level of accuracy was, well, damn right weird. I was asked if I wanted a chaperon. Well frankly having one person I’d not met before involved was plenty thanks! 😯 Needless to say I was between sizes. The advice is to go smaller, but it might prove uncomfortable. We plumbed me in with the smaller size initially. Casey gave me more of those. I also received the next size up to try over the next week or so before my next appointment. I was also given a bladder and bowel diary to record what goes in and out over the course of a week to see a) how my bowels are functioning, and b) whether urine retention is an ongoing problem.

First time use of the catheter

As I’ve previously mentioned, I had tried a few external catheters I’d got from the internet, without much success. Having a proper device, correctly sized and fitted was a big improvement. It still felt somewhat odd, but then it is a little unnatural. It’s fair to say I was nervous using it the first couple of times, but it worked. I’m not expecting to need it overnight, but as I hadn’t had it on long and wanted to give it a proper go, I left it on. Now how can I put this delicately? 🫣 Well, I’m a bloke and bloke things happen at night. Add to that the fact that the body has a strange sense of humour. So during the night it decided to hell with all this plumbing you’ve attached, I’m still enjoying being next to a gorgeous woman. Ping went the sheath. Thankfully the bags have a no-return valve so only what was left in the tube came back out. Nevertheless, it wasn’t the best first experience. 🙂‍↔️ I will persevere though.